I don't usually write naked paragraphs and entries. Most of the time I write equivocal and ambiguous phrases so only the people who understands my soul could read me through it. But today, let me.

Someone once asked me why I like writing journals so much. I said because when I reach 60, I would like to look back and gladly re-live the feeling of what it feels like to be eight, sixteen, twenty, so and so forth, because I have no plan of stopping from writing and pouring my heart out.

It is a rainy 28th of July and I stood there, near the pedestrian lane watching people do their work. They were slow and unprogressive. I caught some of their eyes and they were dead tired. How tired and exhausted were they from the hustles of this week? More tired than my exhausted soul?

I stood there for several minutes and watched the buses go by. It's so tempting to ride one. Is there a vehicle here that travels to the ends of the earth?  Come, take me.

I lost count of drivers stopping by. I nod my head out of hesitation a countless times, too. I held the umbrella a little more tight when the wind blew instantaneously. And my thoughts grew wilder as the cold dominated my body. It reminded me so much of Tagaytay. I still stood there, motionless. Also came to a thought, of how many people actually have realized that a hundred years from now all of these will be irrelevant. These people, who would actually remember that they were the ones painting the exterior look of this certain coffee shop that's under construction? No one. And it would probably be gone in a few years time anyway.

I just read a book about death and it changed my entire perception of life. My goodness, sometimes it really just takes a few sentences to turn everything up-side-down. Yes, a hundred years from now, no one's gonna remember that you walked through the streets of this city. Because in the grander scheme of things, and just as how big the cosmos, who are we to even matter? But that is not entirely the question to be asked. Rather... what will be our legacy?

My phone rang and it was a notification. I ignored it and focused my eyes on the road and cars that were passing by. I am starting to hate social media. I hate the fact that we are so much dependent on it as a platform of expression. Why can't we just go out of our way to paint murals, build miniatures, write books, poetries and songs? Social media is feeding our egos without us realizing. I hate that I am a victim of this too. But grateful to have realized it. People are preaching things they don't even practice themselves. Ten year-old children are posting nasty things and using nasty languages I wonder where their parents are. People defining love as if they can't live without it. We don't need someone to complete us. We are already complete on our own. Why the heck are you teaching your children to find love and put their entire dependence on it? Nothing stays forever, teach them to stand on their own. Afterall, ourselves are our own longest commitment.

So much for that.

My thoughts are bolder when it rains and my hands itch to write. I moved my legs to cross the street. Today reminded me of Tagaytay, but also, with my younger self on a deep thought everytime it rains. It reminded me of 2013 and years before that when I used to watch the rain pour down our tinted glass window at home. Today reminded me of Tagaytay, but also reminded me of that porch at home, and if it also raining there today. I can't wait to go home. No, I meant not the place. I meant me. I can't wait to go home to myself. One day, when the rain stops pouring. It'll be so much clearer, the fogs would go away and I would know which way to go. One day.

Nasaan ka na? 

Bumalik ka na. 

Naliligaw ka ba? Hahanapin kita. 

Walang sapat na salita ang pwedeng magbigay ng dahilan sa mga pusong pagod. Segundo lang ang pagitan ng kasiyahan at kalungkutan. Subalit sa taong nais magbago ngunit hindi pinapayagan ng mundo, ang lahat ng ito ay nangyayari lamang sa bawat minutong pag-idlip. Bakit nga ba ang ito pinagkait ng panahon, madalas na tinatanong. Hindi ko alam. Dama ko ang layo ng realidad sa kinaroroonan ko. Ang daming tanong. Ang daming sagot na wala namang kahulugan. Ngunit mayroong mga panahon, sa kalagitnaan ng okupadong buhay, ay mapapaisip ka, na baka hindi ka naman talaga naliligaw. Na sa bawat pintig ng puso mo ay may pahiwatig na matagal mo nang binabaon sa pinakamalalim na parte ng puso mo. Natatakot ka ba? Huwag kang matakot. Pwede ba nating subukan ulit? Nanghihina ang mga tuhod mo at dama mo ang mga luhang pilit na tumatakas sa mga mata mo. Hinayaan mo lang sila. At hinayaan mo din ang damdamin mong nagliliyab sa kagustuhang maintindihan. Sa mga oras na sinusulat mo 'to, alam na alam mo na ang mga sagot sa mga katanungan mo. Bumalik ka na, nakikiusap ako. Hindi pa tapos ang piyesa, nagsisimula palang ta'yo. Bumalik ka na ulit at marami pa tayong buhay na babaguhin. Bumalik ka na at huwag kang matakot. Sinisigurado ko sa'yo na hindi ka mag-iisa. Huwag mong ipagkait ang sarili mo, dahil hindi mo pagmamay-ari ito. Bumalik kana, kung handa ka na,  dahil tatapusin pa natin ang piyesa. Bumalik ka na, dahil marami pa kaming  nag-aantay sayo.

Ipangako mo saakin na babalik ka.

Maghihintay ako.
Maghihintay kami.
Kahit gaano katagal, basta bumalik ka.

Hindsight

When words run out, how do we give justice to silence? My truth has lost its validity when I took countless of detour for the sake of refinement and breakthrough. I want to ask you: What happened to patience and delayed gratification? My love for self-worth and self-respect has taught me to never blame myself for running away and for believing in the idea of right time. But there is so much about you I need to unveil. And so much of this world I need to see for the first time. I knew where it all went wrong - our perception of time differs in a great span. If the universe can speak its language, you will be able to hear it say sorry a million times. A bucket of apologies, for allowing things to end up this way.

But you know I will always  build an empire with or without you to uphold me in this intent of finding purpose to my very own existence. It's been years of catching fire, and walking through it became my personal triumph. It never occurred to me before that finding glory means taking zero chances. Because sometimes, it is in not risking, that we risk it all.

It took me a while to understand that there is no such thing as go-getter people, there are only patient ones. These are my kind of people. The ones I am willing to exchange my hours of sleep with, for hours of deep talks about the things I think about at three am. I will probably pretend I know everything about you, although I know we do agree on a lot of things. It will be boring but we will be thankful.

And so, to you who was once lost but now found, please do get home safely after you wander around. This world is full of beautiful people and happiness is everywhere within our reach, but do not forget it only takes a matter of seconds to scar the human heart. If you have found yourself a place to rest, and a place where you can be at your best, stay there and forget the rest of the world. You are already where you are supposed to be.

To My Best Friend

I wish there could be more people like you in this world. Your soul is the purest I have met, and I can't help but thank the universe for letting me meet and know you. We both have seen and experienced the consequences of offering our best selves to the world, but you, you taught me life's greatest lesson - resilience. There had been times I wanted to drag myself back to my old and abandoned zone because there is just too much to take in, but your presence in my life is what makes me bounce back every single time. Yes, I am a renewed person each day because you believed in me. And thank you, for giving me the reason to always find purpose and meaning in every downfall.

The past four years were a roller coaster ride. And every time it's on the peak I can't help but appreciate what this story is all about. From there I can see myself in my most vulnerable state, me being raw and real, all my fears laid out freely for you to see. But you are such an amazing person because you shouted the word acceptance in the air and still enjoyed the ride nonetheless.

 I remember the time when you told me how we've tried and hurt ourselves enough to know how to wait for what's best for us. I want you to know that I've been believing and holding on to that ever since. I spent so many years trying to convince myself that I don't deserve what I chased and lost. Somehow, the idea of forgiveness and recovery all made sense to me when I started to see life in a different perspective. Thanks to you, for making it a lot easier.

There must be a reason why we sat near to each other on that electricity class we knew nothing about. (Haha) I am and will always be delighted to have you in my side as I journey through. Thank you for staying in my life, and thank you for welcoming me into yours.